Paoupu Heaven
by manasa-dong
Summary: Well, Advent Children the movie is being made... but Cloud wants to go to a spa. And Vincent just wants to stay out of the sun, too bad for him. Learn about Kadaj's amazing pockets and Yazoo's second job and notsosecret crush. And... Sora in slavery? Hmm.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters... sadly... if I did, well, I would be making my stupid employees create yaoi video games and movies... to hell with doing it all myself. Everyone needs help now and then, only, I need it all the time... Now, let me start writing this stupid story or I won't be able to feed Cloud whose locked in my closet with the Closet Monster...

Once upan a time, there lived a sexy little beast named Riku. He was cocky and sexy. Yea. He was sexy. Anyways, he lived with a boy named Sora and as for Kairi... she fell into the lake thing-e and died. Yea, so aanyways, one day, Advent Children people decided, "Hey, let's take a break from this movie and go to that floating island that say 'Destiny Islands' everytime we enter" (cough Kadaj's idea). Cloud said something about good bathing springs... and Kadaj smiled dreamily and said "Paoupu Heaven..." Yup. Sounds fun. Thus Yazoo, Kadaj, Cloud and Vincent ditched the movie scene and stole a gummi ship. (don't ask what happened to Loz. He's beating Tifa up... How convienent... or banging her up winkwink ewwwwwww...)

Anyway, Cloud jumped into the really ugly Gummi Ship they give you, you know those programmers with bad imagination and no color sense, and looked around. Kadaj and group thuindered in and claimed all the biggest and comfy sofas and Vincet... he hid under a curtain since was so sensitive from all the artificial lights, or maybe it was beause Kadaj looked bored and was waving around Yazoo's gun. Brr... Cloud pushed a button and nothing happened. He frowned, stupid machine, and slammed his Buster Sword onto the console and coughed nervously when it started to flame and spark dangereously.

"Erm... Vincent... I think I pushed a wrong button..."

Vincent got out og his stupid curtains (sensitive my as-.. oh, sorry)

"Hey, what's that smell!" Yazoo got up from his 'comfy sofa' and took out his Velvet Nightmare.

"Ummmm... Don't worry, All is under control. Hahaha." Cloud glanced at Vincent who just stared at the flames nervously.

"..." No one believed him.

Vincent raeised an eyebrow, a flame tried to eat his cape and it fell slave to his sexy brow-lifting tatic, before shattering the windown in the stupid, tastless, gummiship.

Everyone started at him.

And stared...

And stared...

And stared...

"That's one way to solve it." Cloud was first to jump out of the fire-breathing hummi ship, everyone following after him. Well, you know those kids that light fires and then leave them to burn down the whole town? We know who they are now...

"Is this Destiny Islands?" Kadaj looked around at his new surroundings. Huge tropical trees and clear waters everywhere.

"I think so..." Yazoo wasn't so sure himself, seeing as he was a very sheltered child...

"Come on." Vincent rolled his eyes, "You're looking at a poster to a spa. Cloud is already stealing another ship, come on kiddies, move away from the poster."

"Ooh... but the pretty colors..."

"I know, I know, more colors in the gummi ship, come on."

"Hey, guys, I got one." Cloud waved his hand and motioned everyone to 'come here'. So, everyone did. Because everyone is Cloud's bitch…. I mean, ahem so, yea. This gummi-ship was better than the first, but still lacking in looks overall. To put it frankly, it still looked like shit. Cloud certainly wasn't going for style.

"This sucks. It smells like Cloud's poop. If you're going to steal a ship, can't you steal a _nice_ one?" Kadaj complained as he once again flopped down on the comfiest sofa. And snarled at anyone who tried to approach. Yes, that means you too, Yazoo.

"How do you know what Cloud's poop smells like! Forget it. I don't want to know." Yazoo said, rasing his hand dismissively as Kadaj wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Cloud on the other hand, kept a large distance between him and Kadaj from then on. He wouldv'e gone back to driving the gummi-ship but Vincent _insisted_ that _he_ drive this time. He was sure that if he drove, there would be no flamming gummip-ships.

"Hey, I think we're there." Vincent stated as a beautiful ocean-thing came into view of the gummi-ship's window. Vincent pulled out a large tube of suntan lotion and grabbed his cape (aka the curtain from th last gummi ship).

"Yay! Wait, it this a poster?" Kadaj asked Vincent before he got happy.

"No." Yazoo picked Kadaj up and gave him a 'better' view. Awwww….Brotherly love. Gotta love it… Yazoo did, ahem.

"Alright, let's go to the hot springs first." Cloud said, grabbing Vincent's cloak and tried throwing it in a trashcan (floating around the gummiship).

"Do you have enough money for everyone?" Vincent asked, snatching back his shiled against the evil sun.

"Why must you go and ruin the mood with you're stupid logic?" Cloud muttered.

"RAWR! STUPID LOGIC." Kadaj screamed, lunging at Vincent from Yazoo's poor neck, which serves as a jungle gym.

"……ah…save me." Vincent cried enthusistically, not.

"Ok, ok. Let's all pull out our money." Cloud reached into his pants, dug around and pulled out a single munny, a mutilated paoupu fruit ("Oops! I forgot that was in there, heh… heh?"), a picture of Yuffie in her undies ("IT ISN'T MINE! IT'S…… SEPHIROTHS! I SWEAR!"), and a piece of chalk. "You never know when you need more chalk."

"Um……ok." Vincent looked at Yazoo who swallowed nervously.

"Must I?" Everyone glared. "Fine, fine." He nervoulsy pulled out a mirror, another one, lipgloss, a mirror (hey, how many pockets does this guy have?), a phone book, Velvet Nightmare (you don't want to know where he keeps it), a hairbrush… and then he hesitated at the last pocket. "…Must I?"

"POCEKTS!" Kadaj cried out evilly and pulled from the last pocekt (of the incredibly tight leather pants) a… CONDOM. Everyone stared. And just… stared some more. A few disturbing and awkward moments later, Yazoo coughed.

"You never know when you need more condoms?" Yazoo tried, "Ha…ha?"

"Nice try." Cloud said darkly, "Put it AWAY. Away, away away."

Vincent rubbed his temple and sighed, "Your turn Kadaj."

"That's Mr. Almighty Godly, and Sexy Kadaj who Rules The Very Ground Upon Which You Walk. Or Mr. AGSKWOVGUWYW for short."

"Ok Mr. AG…P?... I give up. Just empty your pockets."

"Ooook." Kadaj reached into his pockets and threw on the ground a saw, a sledge hammer, a airconditioner (it got so hot in the desert), kitchen knives, a nail filer, a stapler (his perfered choice of weapons), a machine gun, an electric eel named Sparky, Pikachu (he stole it from the studio next door), and a few more miscellaneous items that we'd rather not discuss, and finally, his precious Souba. Purrrr……SOUBA. Almost as sexy as KADAJ. "That's all I have. WAIT. WAIT. SEPHIROTH, I CALL YOU! GIMME MUNNY!"

Everyone waited and nothing happened.

"HAHA, made you look!" Kadaj laughed. Cloud prepared to start smashing all things silvery haired with his Buster Sword but Vincent coughed and said that it was his turn, to save innocents goes." Vincent reached behind his cloak, since you're not allowed to know where his pocekts are, and pulled out MILLIONS OF MUNNY AND JEWELS. Not. What fantasy world do you think they come from? Pshhh… Vincent having that much money is like Loz dancing with your mom, NAKED, EW. CRINGE. It's not so much Loz… it's your mom that kills. Instead Vincent pulled out small bag of spare change, a cross (Cloud gasped and said "You can touch that!" and Vincent just glared), his gun, some coupons, a Tide pen, and a credit card that belonged to Cid. "Just to let you know, I refuse to use this."

"Well, I'll use it." Kadaj said, snatching it. "Who's Cud?"

"Cid… It's Cid." Cloud said, plucking the card from the boy's manicured fingers. "You don't think he'd mind, do you?"

Vincent just glared.

"I take that as a no. Thanks."

"By the way, why do you have this?" Yazoo asked.

"He asked me to go buy lunch before Cloud kidnapped me and brought me with you on this stupid quest for Destiny Island Paoupu Heaven and Spa… You could have walked across the street and gone to a spa there."

"Stop being so bitter old man." Cloud laughed and drug Vincent into the evil sunlight, ripping away from his cloak. Luckily he managed to cover himself in an inch of sunblock.

"Hey, look. There's someone staring at us…Well, me, since I'm the sexy one." Kadaj said, pointing at the 'someone.'

Everybody looked to where his finger was poiting, ignoring Kadaj's cocky statement.

"Hey! Riku! There's someone here!" The 'someone' said turning his head from Kadaj and gang. Couple seconds later, 'Riku' appeared and looked at the gang.

"Hi there, sexy." Kadaj purred as he made his way to Riku. But! Yazoo grabbed his wrist and pulled him back to the rest of them.

"Kadaj! You shouldn't just leap to random people!" Yazoo lectured.

"You do it all the time! And besides, he's sexy…like me." Kadaj stated as he once more walked towards Riku and was once more stopped by Yazoo.

"No! Kadaj, what if it's a trick? Like you know those people on T.V. that are on those dramas and stuff? They look all inocent but then from nowhere, they pull out saw, a sledge hammer, machine guns, kitchen knives and more! What if he's one of those people?" At that point, everyone stared at Kadaj intently.

"What? Why's everybody looking at me?" Kadaj asked, as a sledge hammer fell out of his pocket.

"I thought you got rid of those!" Cloud shouted, pointing at the fallen object.

"Ummm… got rid of what?" Throwing the sledge hammer at Vincent who was hiding in the shadows.

"Ummmmm…….." Riiku and the 'someone' said in unison.

"Sora….I don't think these are humans….." Riku said pulling the now named boy.

"………….WAIT! Riku! I think I've seen them somewhere!" Sora procalimed as he pointed at who-ever. Everyone froze. Kadaj and gang were now all staring at Sora.

"What did you just say?" Kadaj asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Ummm…. I think I've seen you guys before?" Sora said as he gulped.

"Oh yea. You might've seen Yazoo on some porn-o posters,…" Kadaj stated smugly.

Everyone stared at Yazoo.

"What? Gotta put this gorgeous body to use, ya know!" Everyone rolled their eyes.

"………hey. Look." Vincent said glaring at where Sora and Riku used to be.

"Hey…..You scared them away you big sun-lotion monster!" Kadaj complained.

Vincent was gonna blow his head off when Sora came back with a huge something in his hands.

"This is where I've seen you guys before…." Sora said, holding a movie-promo poster.

"Hey…..I look good…." Kadaj smiled.

"Um, hey guys…" Everyone turned around to face Cloud, who felt rather forgotten.

"Can we go to where we are supposed to be at by now? The Hot Springs?"

Kadaj was just going to say something when sora interupted him.

"Hot Springs?" Cloud turned his head.

"Yea. Can you tell us where it is?" Sora cocked his head to one side and just smiled.

"Oh. Sure. The nearest Hot Springs is on another island." Now it was Yazoo to cock his head to one side.

"What? What do you mean, another island?" Yazoo asked looking a little irritated. Then he suddenly reached into Kadaj's pants (he'll cherish this memory forever…) and pulled out two shovels. Golden, laced shovels. No one asked. They were used to the disturbing items in Kadaj's pockets by now. "Dig.Now." Yazoo orderd throwing the shovels at Vincent and Cloud.

"Huh? Why us? What about you and Mr. Princess over there?" Yazoo looked at Kadaj filing his nails and yawned.

"Cause we're too pretty to dig. As you aren't," Then the ground rumbled…..GASP!

Everyone looked around alarmed. Until the ground shook again. Vincent looked at Kadaj's stomach and saw waves….hungry waves….with littl pointy teeth and everything….

"Um…I think someon's hungry…." He nodded his head towards Kadaj, who was looking around.

"Who?" Everyone stared at Kadaj darkly, "Whhhaat?"

"Go grab something from the Gummi Ship." Yazoo sighed.

"Kay." Kadaj said, bouncing into th ship and disappearing inside to the unknown.

"Anyway, back to this whole digging thing. Vincent is allergic to the sun, so he can't dig."

"Oh, you only care now that you have to work." Vincent muttered darkly.

"Shut up." Yazoo and Cloud snapped together.

Right when Sora was going to make his getaway, Vincent deciding to join him, they heard a loud scream from inside the gummy ship. Yazoo's eye went huge, like a deer in the headlights, only in a pretty way, and then to a bear feasting on his fish… wait. Bad example. Bad example. Anyway, Yazoo ran inside the gummi ship, Velvet Nightmare pulled from its secret hiding spot.

"I'm coming dearest Kadaj!"

Cloud looked at the shovels, then at Sora, back at the shovels and then walked to the boy. "Dig, if you don't I'll break you're neck and eat you for lunch… or worse. Let Kadaj… or Yazoo… RAPE you."

"NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THE GUMDROP BOTTOMS! Wait… I mean… wrong story." Sora took the shovel and started to dig, pouting.

Cloud took out his Buster Sword and prepared to charge for the Gummi Ship before he looked back at Vincent, "Aren't you coming?"

"No, I'd rather wait here, in the shade, away from you crazy people."

Cloud shrugged and dashed inside. Vincent watched Sora dig for a few minutes, put on more sun lotion (he was starting to think his snow white skin looked a bit toasty and that was totally against Vampire Fashion Magazine's newest trend polls) and stared at Sora again. Then he heard a lot of screaming from the gummi ship. He weighed his options. Watch Sora and bake in the stupid sun, but be away from idiots, or go in and see what they had gotten themselves into… Options, options. He put on more sun lotion.

* * *

Hm... love FF and Kingdom Hearts much? ... manasa-dong only loves the men that much... 


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